Classical Literature as a Nature Documentary

Imagine what classical literature would be like if aliens commented on it in the form of a nature documentary.

Romeo and Juliet

“Due to her young age, the female lacks proper cognitive development, and seeks to imitate her mate in the only way she knows how. However, as the Alpha, the male has not left any substance for lesser members of the pack, and the female must find another way to demonstrate her solidarity. Without proper guidance from an alpha, the female removes her mate’s primary weapon, and in an attempt to impress him with her hunting skills, slays herself. Surely, there has never been a story of more pity than this of two inexperienced and unguided specimens.”


“Though of different species, the Beowulf-human imitates the Grendel’s intimidation tactics, baring himself as a sign of his masculinity. Lesser members of the Beowulf-human pack remain covered, and are quickly recognized as inferior.  

It is the Geat-human pack leader that the Grendel must worry about. Circling warily, the Grendel knows that he must now defend his territory from this new threat. While other Dane-humans have tried to challenge the Grendel in the past, none thus far have proven themselves dominant. This new Beowulf-human, however, despite his small size, has agility and intellect on his side.”

Sense and Sensibility (I think. I don’t know. It was one I read in college for a class. This is all I remember from it) EDIT: Someone informed me that this seems more like Wuthering Heights. So maybe it’s that one. Whatevs.

“The female, having been rejected by her chosen male, must look for other options. In an act that seems counterintuitive to evolutionary sense, she must depend on frailty and weakness to attract a mate. Her tactical sense is sound, however, and it is not long before a superior male begins his complex mating dance. The female, however, demonstrates her own mating rituals by feigning indifference. Only if the male proves his worthiness with tenacity and determination will the female accept his advances.”


Haha. This was a fun way to kill ten minutes. Maybe I’ll eventually do some more.


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