On Pansies And Presidents

If you live in the United States, you probably know that this is a presidential election year. If you live in the United States and you DON’T know that, then you both amaze and terrify me. I’d love to meet you and find out what your life is like that you can live in ignorance of that knowledge and yet somehow still find this blog. You must be a wizard.

Anyway… As with all US presidential elections, this year finds our nation pretty well divided and our news feeds flooded with promises, lies, propaganda, and threats of varying degrees. It’s kind of bizarre all the things people say and do and what I’m sure they WILL do if anyone other than “their” candidate ends up in the White House. All these promises, oaths, and threats seemed so interesting that I thought I’d play too.

So…Here’s what I will and will NOT do should our next president be anyone other than who I vote for:

1) I Will NOT Leave the Country.

This is a big one, because I’m amazed at how many people scream “if Hillald Clump becomes our next president, I’m moving to Canada!” Gah. I hate that person. Shut up and stop crying, because there are a few problems with your plan:

First of all, it’s unlikely that Canada will take you, because Canada is already pretty sure you’re an asshole. Second, you kind of ARE an asshole. But not a grown up one. You’re like that kid in the 3rd grade who would lose a game and then start crying before taking his toys and going home. Only you’re worse, because that kid at least had the decency to actually go away and leave the rest of us to do what we were doing without having to hear him bitch about losing.

We are Americans. We’ve been taught since Kindergarten that one of the things that make us a great nation is our democratic system. You know, that thing that lets us VOTE for the next president? That system that is the underlying backbone of our Freedom? It is one of the basic principals of our entire culture. It is necessary. And if you support that, then you have to support it when it WORKS– even if it works out differently than you’d hoped. Our president will be elected by the Majority. If it turns out that I’m in the minority come election day, then I will live with that. I won’t necessarily like it, and I’ll probably blame the surprisingly large percentage of people that don’t vote, but I’ll also realize that my will is not shared by everyone else. We are not a hive mind. And I will step down and accept it when my fellow countrymen outnumber me. When it turns out that maybe my thinking is slightly skewed, and maybe the majority of the country really isn’t idiotic. Because that’s the foundation of democracy: the belief that, when working together, the majority will decide what is best for the whole. I certainly will not run wailing into the hills when I’m shown that the rest of our nation does not agree with me.


2) I Will NOT Threaten or Decry the President… Ever.

Have you SEEN some of the things people say about our Commander in Chief? Every other day I see people calling Obama the Anti-Christ or Muslim Hitler’s Cyanide-Happy Clone or something. And I saw the same thing when George W. Bush was our president. I probably would have noticed the same thing with Clinton if I hadn’t been so focused on Pokemon and nail polish at the time. But seriously, guys. Enough is enough. So you don’t like the guy (or gal, possibly, next year). I get it. You’ve made that clear. But doesn’t it bother you that some of the things you’re sharing are blatant lies? That even the smallest amount of research could (and does) make you look like a blithering idiot? Is your stance really so shaky that you have to post obvious falsehoods in order to make a conceivable argument? Because that’s not going to make your case look like a good one. And, also because (spoiler alert) you already LOST the fight.

Remember, this hypothetical situation is AFTER my least-favorite candidate has already become president. So, I have to accept that MOST people (at least half, since that’s how democracy works) doesn’t agree with me and doesn’t want to hear whatever seems to be leaking from my pie-hole after the fact. And even if they DID, all the garbage-laden, hate-filled sewage I could muster isn’t going to give people the opportunity to change the outcome for at least 4 more years.

So simmer down and rant about other things that CAN be changed. Policies we can vote on. Politicians we can support or oppose. If you’re going to be political, at least be USEFUL.

And that’s only mentioning the “Here’s why your candidate is EVIL” stuff. That’s not even touching on the “If he came close enough I’d shoot ______________ in the head” posts. Which, in case you didn’t know, is GODDAMNED TREASON and you should be ashamed of yourself. If you’re willing to post threats about our president on your feed, you don’t deserve to vote ever again as far as I’m concerned. You deserve the felony charge that comes with treason and a smack across your bitch face for being so small and petty that you’re willing to threaten the leader of our country on a public forum. Again, you have to remember that you are the MINORITY of people who believe as you do at this point, and if you ever try to make a move on your big talk, you better expect more than a few patriots to defend their country and its leader however they can.

Even if I did think that the PotUS was ruining our country (which, again, is not my sole place to judge) I wouldn’t spit on the flag and the system I believe in by trying to take the power out of the people’s hands and putting it into my bullet.


3) I Will NOT Demand Impeachment (And Especially Not Every Single Day)

Do you know how many presidents have actually been impeached in our country’s history? Two. Yeah, only two. And neither of them were ever removed from office. President Johnson replaced the Secretary of War without Senate approval, and President Clinton was tried for perjury and obstruction of justice (having to do with his extramarital affair). Impeachment is not an easy process, and it certainly isn’t necessary for trivial hurts.

So, yeah. I’m not going to scream for impeachment every time our president does something that I don’t agree with. That not only, once again, undermines the spirit of democracy, but it kind of makes me look like I don’t actually understand what “impeachment” is. Or what it entails. And I don’t want to look like a whiny, entitled, toddler.

Which, really, is what all of this comes down to, anyway. There are people running for president that I don’t like. There is a chance that one of them will make it into the White House. But part of being given the right to vote is the assumption that I am mature enough to have an opinion on the future of our country. And if I’m mature enough to handle that, then I sure as Hell better be mature enough to handle losing with dignity.

And finally, before any of the above can even come to pass…




Nothing bothers me more than someone who complains endlessly about how our country is being run, but then says (almost pridefully) “I didn’t vote for anyone. They all would have sucked.” My response is usually as follows:



Sit your ass back down and stop speaking before I get some of your stupid on me.

Seriously, people like that kind of disgust me. They’re like the drunk uncle who comes to Thanksgiving with nothing but a beer and some Tupperware, then complains that the mashed potatoes have skins. You want skinless mashed potatoes? DO YOU? Then get off your ass, get in that kitchen, and start peeling, you lazy slug. You’re part of this party. You’re part of this country, and if you think you’re adult enough to have an opinion, you better be adult enough to DO something about it. If you don’t like the person that’s going to be speaking at inauguration, you better do whatever you can to make sure he or she doesn’t get that far, because if you don’t put up sandbags to stop the flood, I’m sure as Hell not going to help pay for your water damage. This is your country. One of the people speaking in those debates is going to be YOUR president. Maybe you should start acting like that means something.


Did you like this post? Want to see me rant about everything I hate about how our country handles elections using colorful language and probably too many curse words? Of course you do. Click here


2 thoughts on “On Pansies And Presidents

  1. Everyone knows that the use of magic interferes with technology. Any wizard worth his salt would blow out a hard drive long before finding your blog.

    No offense meant, of course. It is just that your words probably aren’t reaching wizards.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: Yes, I’m Afraid. But Not Just of “Them.” | Mortal Asphalt

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