I am a Depressed Guardian.
I have suffered my own demons since before we met. I have battled them and wrestled with them for longer than even I dare say, now. Sometimes it is obvious. Most of the time it is not. Because I long ago decided that no one else should suffer from my Depression.
I hear some of you already. You are already trying to fight back my demons with your own swords. You have so many kind words and thoughtful platitudes on your tongue, easily flitted at me like silver moths. But I do not actually need to hear these things. Because while I am Depressed, I am still here. And I am still here because even though my Depressed brain might scream that I am worthless and pathetic– the Guardian knows that you still have need of me.
I am a Depressed Guardian. And you have no idea the things I’ve faced for those lives that I long ago decided were worth more than mine. I have crumbled mountains and withstood storms. I have changed the courses of entire rivers and screamed in the faces of monsters that did not even know I existed until I appeared in front of them. I have battled a million demons that were not my own–Always with a shield in my hand. And never one that was protecting *me.*
I am a Depressed Guardian. I am that person you say is the “strong one.” I am the ‘rock’ and the ‘rational’ and the ‘friend you can always call.’ I may not want to get out of bed most days, but you’d better believe that if I see a text at 2 a.m. that says “I need someone to talk to” that I am in full armor and with my shield ready in an instant. I show up for every shift because I refuse to let you suffer from my lack of action. I am the person that’s always there if you need someone.
There are so many of us out there. You don’t even know. You cannot comprehend how many lives we have saved. How many stories we’ve changed. How many tears we’ve wiped away or shoulders we’ve offered for people to cry on. You cannot possibly realize how many stands we’ve taken just for the *possibility* of making someone else’s life better. Never for ourselves– but for those we love. Those we cannot bear to see hurting. Those who we want to have a happy life.
We are Depressed Guardians. And we are here for you. But know this with every fiber of your being– woe is you on the day we find out that YOU are the cause of our friends’ hurt. Woe upon those that belittle and discourage. That lie through smiles and wheedle past our friends’ innocence and trust. Because we Guardians have something that your regular victims do not have: Absolutely nothing to lose. You think we fear you like those you’ve been able to twist and break in the past? What can you do to us that we have not already planned over longer periods and with more consideration? You cannot hurt us. We have nothing worthwhile to watch you take. And that makes us invincible.
Be wary, those of you that hurt our friends. For we will tear you off the pedestal from which you deign to peer at us. We will burn your vitriol and your overbearing self-righteousness and we will stand above you as you sift through the ashes looking for whatever sliver of self-importance made you think you were worthy of hurting those we guard.
We are Depressed Guardians. There is a part of us that screams we do not deserve to be here. And yet we remain. Because there is a larger part of us that sees the shields we hold above our friends– and our arms strengthen. You might not know we’re here. You might have no idea of the demons that try to break us each day. And many of us ARE broken. But you are not. And thus we stand, ever vigilant. Ever guarding.
We love you.